Wednesday 28 March 2007

Approach Number 3 – Make Them Think They Already Rule The World

In the last article we discussed how to fool a garden gnome into thinking he has snagged a fish, thus keeping him occupied for long periods. While this is a useful strategy for thwarting the world domineering tendencies of many gnomes there are unfortunately a sizeable proportion of gnomes for whom fishing holds no interest. We must therefore seek a different distraction for these gnomes. In addition, we must bear in mind how few of history’s worst tyrants have been active fishermen – a fact that inevitably draws us to the conclusion that their non-fishing gnome counterparts are almost certainly the most dangerous gnomes of all.

Realising this fact does however give us a faint glimmer of opportunity: since these gnomes are only interested in world domination and subsequent tyranny the only viable distraction must be something along these lines. If we could actually convince the gnomes that they already rule the world we at one swift stroke undermine their motivation to set in motion their power grabbing plans. We thus eliminate the real threat of them actually taking over. There are a number of possible approaches:

1) Virtual Reality

This approach is potentially the most promising however the current state of virtual reality technology is low for humans and practically non existent for gnomes.

2) Hypnosis

Precious little research has been done in the area of gnome hypnosis. It is therefore difficult to assess the effectiveness of this approach.

3) Build a world ruler’s environment around the gnome.

This is a more practical, though costly, approach. It will require us to build a fancy office with improbably large wooden desk for the gnome to sit behind. In addition it will be necessary to telephone the gnome constantly and create false documents for signing under the ruse that important world decisions need taken. Other gnomes must be outfitted in black suits and sunglasses to pose as bodyguards. There is a real risk that these bodyguard gnomes may figure out and subsequently undermine the ruse so great care must be taken.

A problem with this approach is that the gnome will require ever stronger stimuli to satiate his insane lust for power. One possibility is to place a large TV screen in front of the gnome and show footage of adoring crowds, jackbooted stormtroopers, and invading armies, to keep the gnome’s power lust satisfied.

4) Convince the current world rulers that they are, in fact, garden gnomes.

This highly unorthodox approach may just turn out to be the most successful. As many of today’s world leaders share characteristics of garden gnomes, and some may turn out to actually be garden gnomes, a few overt gestures may be all that is required to convince garden gnomes the world over that they are already in command.

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