Approach Number 3 – Make Them Think They Already Rule The World

In the last article we discussed how to fool a garden gnome into thinking he has snagged a fish, thus keeping him occupied for long periods. While this is a useful strategy for thwarting the world domineering tendencies of many gnomes there are unfortunately a sizeable proportion of gnomes for whom fishing holds no interest. We must therefore seek a different distraction for these gnomes. In addition, we must bear in mind how few of history’s worst tyrants have been active fishermen – a fact that inevitably draws us to the conclusion that their non-fishing gnome counterparts are almost certainly the most dangerous gnomes of all.

Realising this fact does however give us a faint glimmer of opportunity: since these gnomes are only interested in world domination and subsequent tyranny the only viable distraction must be something along these lines. If we could actually convince the gnomes that they already rule the world we at one swift stroke undermine their motivation to set in motion their power grabbing plans. We thus eliminate the real threat of them actually taking over. There are a number of possible approaches:

1) Virtual Reality

This approach is potentially the most promising however the current state of virtual reality technology is low for humans and practically non existent for gnomes.

2) Hypnosis

Precious little research has been done in the area of gnome hypnosis. It is therefore difficult to assess the effectiveness of this approach.

3) Build a world ruler’s environment around the gnome.

This is a more practical, though costly, approach. It will require us to build a fancy office with improbably large wooden desk for the gnome to sit behind. In addition it will be necessary to telephone the gnome constantly and create false documents for signing under the ruse that important world decisions need taken. Other gnomes must be outfitted in black suits and sunglasses to pose as bodyguards. There is a real risk that these bodyguard gnomes may figure out and subsequently undermine the ruse so great care must be taken.

A problem with this approach is that the gnome will require ever stronger stimuli to satiate his insane lust for power. One possibility is to place a large TV screen in front of the gnome and show footage of adoring crowds, jackbooted stormtroopers, and invading armies, to keep the gnome’s power lust satisfied.

4) Convince the current world rulers that they are, in fact, garden gnomes.

This highly unorthodox approach may just turn out to be the most successful. As many of today’s world leaders share characteristics of garden gnomes, and some may turn out to actually be garden gnomes, a few overt gestures may be all that is required to convince garden gnomes the world over that they are already in command.

Approach Number 2 - Keep Them Occupied

The typical garden gnome has few interests besides standing at the bottom of gardens all day. This should give us pause for thought; what is going through their heads all this time? Could they be devising schemes the culmination of which will be the subjugation of human beings to the rule of gnomes? Perhaps, perhaps not. But prudence suggests we take no chances as the consequences are too devastating to risk. If we could find a way to keep gnomes occupied it would greatly lessen the risk of them thinking up plans for world domination.

But as we have seen gnomes have very few interests. How then do we keep them occupied?

There is one possibility. Garden gnomes seem to be very fond of fishing – at least they like to hold fishing rods, perhaps as a ruse to ease our suspicions of their world domineering plans. The gnomes’ fondness for fishing gives us an opportunity to keep their attentions away from thoughts of world domination.

So how do we use fishing to keep gnomes occupied? After all, it could be argued, fishing is the perfect pastime for gnomes seeking to take over the world, offering as it does long periods of quiet contemplation for devising strategies to establish global tyranny. All the more so considering that gnomes never actually catch fish. Herein lies our opportunity to confuse and distract the gnome.

If we tie a long piece of thread to the gnome’s rod we can pull on it from a distance, thus fooling the gnome that he has caught a fish. Of course, it may not be possible to continue pulling the thread for long periods due to other commitments but there is something we can do to ensure the gnome is distracted at all times.

What we need is to find a living creature to tie the thread to that is just the right size to make the gnome believe it is a fish. The most suitable creature in this case would be a fish. If you have goldfish or tropical fish in your pond simply tie the thread to one of them and, hey presto, it will pull on the thread as it swims thus keeping the gnome distracted at all times. As gnomes have no muscles in their arms or hands they will be unable to reel in the fish.

If a fish is unavailable another small creature will need suffice, such as a mouse or large beetle. Small birds are another possibility although the gnome may cotton onto the deception if the bird flies off. In addition larger birds may take the gnome with them. While better than having the gnome take over the world this outcome is less than ideal as the bird may tire during flight causing the gnome to fall, possibly landing on someone’s head or in a tank or fighter aircraft thus increasing its potential for world domination. Likewise, squirrels, rats and voles should be avoided as they may pull the gnomes into their burrows or up a tree where the gnome would have cover to scheme and get up to all sorts of mischief; better to keep them out in the open where we can keep an eye on them.

So there we have it: another practical stratagem to keep gnomes from taking over.

Ensure They Don’t Get Elected to Government

Perhaps the most obvious way that gnomes might take over the world is by creating a totalitarian government through democratic means, like, for instance, Hitler, or the emperor in Star Wars. Now some might say that a world governed by garden gnomes would be better than what we have now and while they are almost certainly correct for the purposes of this article I shall assume they are wrong, otherwise there would be no point in writing it.

Now of course nobody in their right mind would elect a garden gnome to office. However this could also apply to the majority of the world’s elected leaders. We must therefore assume that a majority of the world’s population are not in their right minds and that the election of garden gnomes is therefore a very real possibility.

So what can be done to prevent election of garden gnomes? There are simply too many people who might potentially vote for a gnome for a single individual to prevent. Therefore, a vast organisation devoted to stopping garden gnomes must be created. Once this organisation is in place each of its members will be assigned to monitor a manageable number of potential gnome voters. It will be necessary to strike up acquaintances with the potential gnome voters to ascertain if they have pro-gnome sympathies. In addition, electronic surveillance methods, including phone taps and cctv, should be utilised to detect any potential signs of future gnome voting.

Once potential gnome voters have been identified the organisation must move swiftly in deploying anti-gnome propaganda. Pictures of gnomes crushing worms and beetles under their bases, showing the gnomes lack of compassion, may be effective. If such methods fail it may be necessary to physically prevent potential gnome voters from voting, perhaps by placing them in giant gnome casts, filling the cast with concrete, then placing the potential gnome voter at the bottom of the garden next to the other gnomes they’re so fond of. Another method is to phone them up on election day, pretending to be the owner of a garden centre, crying, ‘help, help, someone’s smashed all our garden gnomes and we need help to put them back together.’

Carried out properly these measures should ensure that garden gnomes will never take over the world through democratic means.