Approach Number 5 – Send Them Back Or Forward In Time

On first glance the notion of sending gnomes through time seems fraught with risk and uncertainty, perhaps creating a rupture in the space-time continuum or even giving the gnomes a greater chance for world domination when pitted against less advanced societies. However, on closer inspection, there is no cause for worry. If in the future we do send gnomes back in time and they took over the world we would now be living under gnome domination or would have records of gnome domination some time in the past. Since there are no historical records of gnome domination it stands to reason that if we do send them back in time no harm will come of it.

There is of course the problem of time-travel itself. Some say it is truly impossible. Others think not. Some have no idea either way. To ensure the continued freedom of the human race from gnome domination we must prepare for all potentialities.

First possibility – Time-travel is possible

Unfortunately no one has invented a time machine yet as far as we know. This may seem like a major setback but is in fact not. Inventing a time-machine is not even necessary at all! If one were to invent a time-machine the first thing they would do is travel back in time and give the designs for the time-machine to their younger self. Armed with these plans the younger self would know exactly how to build the time-machine meaning there would be no need to actually design it. In other words there is no point in figuring out how to build a time-machine. We simply wait for someone from the future to travel back in time and give us the plans. Unfortunately we have no way of knowing when this might happen so we go to plan B.

Plan B – Convince the gnome that it has been sent back in time without time-travel actually having happened.

First we need a convincing looking time-machine. A model Tardis readily available from model shops should suffice. Next we put the gnome in the model tardis, put on some spooky music, and spin the tardis round and round to simulate travelling through space-time.

On reopening the tardis the illusion of travelling to a different era must be complete whether one chooses the past or future. There are pros and cons for both time periods.

The Future
The best bet is the far future when the Sun has burned practically all its fuel. To simulate this time period the gnome can be placed in a large fridge with a very dim light bulb painted red to look like the sun. To maintain the illusion the temperature of the fridge should be reduced by one degree every million years or so.

The Past
Simulating the past presents greater technical challenges than the far future. To maintain a perfect illusion it will be necessary to completely demolish your house and garden and switch to pre-industrial ways of life, hunter-gathering for example. If you have a dog or cat you can enhance the illusion of being far in the past by disguising them as prehistoric beasts, sabre-tooth tigers, dinosaurs, trilobites, for example. Parrots or budgerigars can be disguised as pterodactyls. You will also need to move to the country away from any roads and airports since passing cars or planes might give the game away.

Carried out painstakingly, these measures should successfully fool the gnome into believing he has travelled through time, thus thwarting his plans for world domination.